Hello all you beautiful people. How are you doing today? I wanted to sleep in as much as I could but was up very early for some unknown reason. It’s amazing how on weekdays I struggle to get myself out of bed with much difficulty but today, life just seemed to fail me. lol.
I haven’t done much yet, it’s still eleven am and there is a lot to be done and we are having folks over for lunch it seems. I also did a bit of reading and am thoroughly inspired, hence the reason I decided to start posting early.
Since of late, I’ve deemed myself part-agnostic and even more so, a shitty writer. My words have been forced, inspiration has not been at its best and I clearly need to up my writing game or find a new career and stop writing. The latter of which is also possible because everything has become overly nonchalant now that I do not care anymore.
But I write, with the hope that this would go away and I would (soon) start to write a little better than I do now.
Substance, is something I lack since of recent. As a person, I have become accustomed to saving up to buy things I don’t really need because as I said in my capitalist-driven post, who said money can’t buy happiness? I know it can’t, but sometimes it’s nice to convince myself that it can. It’s not as though I had much substance in life before as by default I could be an airhead I agree, but as I tell everyone else, we are all smart in our own ways and university in one place where I felt that way.
Since today is a day of reflection and introspection, let me try to recall my uni days, as life then was simpler, less complicated and God forbid, happier.
While in uni, on occasion, I was granted the pleasure of taking a long walk down Koramangala without being judged. Stuffing myself with delicious Bengali food and then having superbly expensive (I was on a student budget mind you) gelato (I would’ve otherwise not had) were simple pleasures in life I now crave for.
Now however, despite having grown older, (not necessarily) wiser and being able to have gelato everyday, I no longer crave for sweets, food and sadly, life. A daily struggle is what life is now. To get through the day, to eat on time so I don’t fall sick (because I’ve been sick for nearly three weeks now) and to work and work more so I wouldn’t have time to stop and think about all the mistakes I made this year and the years before and pray to myself, because my religious beliefs are now questionable, that I will be forgiven. Forgiveness, not because I seek access to Heaven, which is also now questionable, but to gain peace of mind that I have now lost as a result of losing myself, somewhere down the line.
I long to go back to being younger and immature to the pain that comes with growing older and understanding more. To have been able to shut down my senses and the noise of the household by purely listening to heavy metal music. I long to not think of what has happened and what will be, because that’s just too much to think about.
But as life may have it, one cannot revisit a past that once was but can only continue to look forward to what is. As I also grow older, I have also learn to appreciate more the gift of being alone and continue to seek solitude wherever possible. At the end of the day, we are all the sadness we tell ourselves to be.
Here’s hoping for sunshine tomorrow.