So this evening upon buying the last of my rakhi, it dawned on me. A few months from now, there’d be no more raksha bandhan, no more Holi, no more Diwali. Weird thing is, I don’t know how I feel about this. Not that this feeling wasn’t expected anyway.
This post is fragmented. Not the green line shit. Just weird bits and pieces recollected from everywhere and put together at perhaps, not the best of places. Do pardon the more-than-usual lack of cohesion and connection.
In this process of self discovery, I have realised what I want to do with my life. Finally. I know right? However, since my recent writings are influenced by my recent learnings I now have this overarching question of identity.
To start with, I am a “hybrid”. Mixed parentage followed by Christian schooling followed by now-pure-non-biological parentage and finally, living away. So all these things put together, makes the end product i.e. – me, a little fucked up noh.
So I don’t know. There is that element of being a biologically predisposed postcolonised subject. Then there is also that element of having lived away. No, we are not bringing in Diaspora but, I must say that ethnocentrism was/is prevalent. At least in bits. I used to be psyched about seeing another Sri Lankan at these international student stuff but there were times I was happy to look Indian too. I mean c’mon. I cannot speak to a boy who “looks” like that Malinga cricketer fellow okay? I just can’t.
So like I said. I don’t know. I don’t how I feel about leaving India. I want to go back, undoubtedly, but then there are reasons as to why I think otherwise too.
There are things that scare me, besides fending for myself, or at least my phone bill and an occasional pair of shoes. There are people who intimidate me, commitments I wish to run away from. There is that “my” time I would miss. Doing nothing and staring in to the ceiling. Or trying out some new yoga poses with no one at home. Or cooking when I feel like it and going OCD every once in a way.
I don’t know. A Hemingway moment here. Lost, I believe would be the word.